Top 10 tips for surviving (and enjoying) Key West

1. Jail: To avoid jail, do not urinate in public, fight (in public) or speed in a school zone. Anything else, have at it!
   
2. Jail: To avoid jail, do not get caught killing the local, weirdly aggressive chickens. They are protected in Key West (similar to cows in India). I need further proof that this is true and plan to research the city ordinance. (Chickens, cats and rats all run rampant in the area.)
3. Restaurants: Do not eat at Chico's Mexican Restaurant, a.k.a. "Cheapos". Avoid Wendy's. McDonald's is great (if you like McDonald's). You can spend $16 for lunch for two at Wendy's or spend $4.58 for the same stuff at McDonald's. The Commodore is an awesome, albeit spendy, place to eat but at least the food is good. Half Shell Raw Bar is also really good.
4. Bars: The Green Parrot is a local hangout with lots of music and lots of crowds! If you're into bull riding (first floor) or clothing optional places (third floor), visit The Bull, one of the last open air bars in town. Aqua is one of the places that puts on a great drag queen show (and boy do they know how to single out Robin -- I laughed soooo hard I almost pee'd my shorts)!
   
5. Shopping: Sunday is a horrible time to run errands or shop. Either everyone is hungover and driving/walking/biking/scooting stupid or the stores are not open or no one is paying attention to anything. KMart is even scarier than almost any other WalMart I've ever been in (and the prices on everything are always wrong). Don't expect to find any beach sandals anywhere, either.
   
6. Traffic: Arghhh! Unbelievably awful. Again, reminds me of a street scene in India, only there aren't any elephants (so far). Scary, drunk, hungover, high, disoriented, confused drivers, pedestrians, bicyclists, scooter riders, you name it! Worse than downtown Chicago during Taste of Chicago. Not easy to navigate through this mess with a crew cab Toyota Tundra.
   
7. Weather: Humid. Holy cow ... I mean Holy Chicken! It was so humid and the store A/C was so cold my glasses steamed up when I went from inside to outside! Windy. Whew -- hasn't let up at all and seems to constantly be howling through.
8. Neighborhood: When the Park Service says you'll be living in a "gated community", what they really mean is revamped military housing surrounded by a chain link fence with a gate at one end preventing traffic from driving through the complex. As usual, there is one person in the neighborhood who has gone all-out for the Christmas holiday. The lawn decorations are even accompanied by Christmas music ... oh joy!
9. Library: The internet queen who lords over everything internet/computer related takes his job waaaay too seriously. OMG, he needs help. But, as it's about the only game in town to access the internet, maybe I'll bring him some cookies.
10. Sunset: Yeah, yeah, Mallory Square and all the entertainers, people watching, etc. is something to see once but if you go down to the Truman Annex where the Coast Guard Museum boat is, you don't have crowds, hassle and you can still enjoy a beautiful sun set with just as good as (or better) view. Another fun thing is see sunset from the rooftop of the town's highest hotel (you can see it ... I don't know the name of it ... find Starbucks on Duval and go in through there). And, bring your own drink instead of spending way too much money on a way too small drink.