A Holiday Story: I Am Going to Hell

This story was relayed to me by a very good friend last year (whom I miss dearly!), during the campaign hoopla of last fall's elections, Thanksgiving, Christmas – The Giving Season.

I held on to it, planning to post it to the blog and reread for when I need a pick-me-up.

Warning: You should make sure you don’t need to pee before you read it. Every time I read it, I almost pee my pants because I laugh so hard.

Here it is, for your enjoyment. Edited for anonymity.

"When [The Dog] finally decided she liked rawhide bones, we found out that she can't tolerate them. If she has a bone, she has diarrhea the next (early) morning. It's a real treat to wake up to that smell (she doesn't know how to ask to go out either).  

So I wake up to a mess Saturday morning. I clean up the worst of it, throw everything into an old plastic [local grocery] sack, and toss it on the front porch to put in the garbage bin later (because I was still in my nightgown).  

A couple of hours later, [The Mr.] and I are sitting in the living room drinking coffee (still in my nightgown). He notices something on the camera/security monitor (and it's not a political canvasser for a change).  

He says, "That's weird. Some little kid just stole a sack of garbage off our porch and ran out and got in that white van."  

I say, "Oh, shit! That's the Lutheran church picking up for their food drive!!!"
I had forgotten that Saturday was the day they were picking up the food they'd requested we put in a [local grocery] sack and leave on our front porches! 

I was going to call the church and confess, but I couldn't talk about it without laughing hysterically.

So I guess I'm going to Hell."